Effing Dykes Gifts: Exactly What Lies Beneath (Her Fingernails) | Autostraddle

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Krista

of

Effing Dykes

! Effing Dykes is actually a queer woman blog site that is hilarious and smart and a tiny bit perverse and
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. Probably wouldn’t be an awful concept to put apart sometime and get drawn into an Effing Dykes wormhole, for those who haven’t already. Just make sure you come-back right here to learn this blog post, since it is unique, as above mentioned.

Hiya lezzers!

I’ve got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WANTS TO HEAR A SCARY STORY??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Ensure you get your pal. Everyone got the buddy? Good. Hang on fast towards friend’s hand.

‘Cause this will be a real tale.

Ahem.

Not So Long Ago, whenever I had been very freshly gay I didn’t know I Found Myself freshly homosexual…

An adult lesbian from the now-defunct queer club known as


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I became completely merely truth be told there to dancing)


provided me with some guidance:

1)


Never ever open a shared bank account together with your partner



2)


You should not fake sexual climaxes



3)


Make sure a female’s nails tend to be thoroughly clean.

The wise lesbian was at the woman later part of the 40’s, an age group so far away from my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID home that I couldn’t even imagine exactly what it ought to be want to be so old.

How unfortunate, I thought. Here she is at a bar and she actually is outdated. I hope I really don’t end lonely like this lady.

Actually it fun to be the middle of a market?

Just what a little crap I was.

For some reason, however, we was presented with from

Za’s


that evening repeating her three guidelines to my self.

Once I woke upwards, I was thinking of these.

It actually was kind of like in The gold Chair, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb are charged by Aslan to consider The indications.


Cannot become that you don’t re-read the Narnia boxed-set at least one time a-year.

Anyhow! throughout the years, i usually remembered the 3 existence instructions the lesbian had trained me. Her advice generated good sense.

I never ever unsealed a combined bank account with anyone.

I never faked sexual climaxes again after the first couple of instances I did it, recognizing I became, in fact, dooming myself to a continuous cycle of shitty gender by rewarding poor overall performance using my whines of “ecstasy.”

And I also constantly secretly inspected a girl’s nails before I slept with her.

Small? Check.

No rough sides? Check Always.

Clean? Its search time.

But precisely why, nymphos?


What is the big deal about fingernails?


What is actually with all the short-nailed lesbian jokes? Just What?

What i’m saying is, alright, I get it. Its more difficult to fuck with long fingernails. You could potentially maybe puncture a lung or something.

But it is maybe not difficult. I had extended fingernails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with ‘em isn’t everything difficult — you merely make sure to use the shields of your hands.

So just why had been that lesbian so emphatic about clean fingernails?

All of you, she was actually



SO. EMPHATIC.

I decided to accomplish some debunking.

Undoubtedly absolutely nothing could truly happen to you should you got banged by someone with filthy fingernails.

Following I recalled a story thus awful I would very nearly overlooked it.

Homos.

Bad crap can occur.

This scary tale comes to us courtesy of my personal good-looking buddy ”


Cai



,” having viewed a lot more snatch in temperature than a kitty clinic on totally free Spay Day.

All Right.

Cai


was a student in Miami when she found a rather hot femme we’re going to call


Katie.

Katie


smelled like sugar snacks cooking, wore a leopard-print bikini, had gigantic gold hoops that shimmered during the light, but also possessed the best asses


Cai


had previously seen.

She privately texted me a picture of

Katie

in the swimming pool so she could boast, and that I texted straight back,


“I would strike that till my hand decrease down.”

So, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


house that evening. There was basically some significant ingesting.

While getting undressed


Katie


for the half-light,


Cai


saw one thing she had not truly seen prior to:



Katie had cool fingernails.

Indeed,




Katie




had an extended, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


could not end the psychological image of the fingernails clawing down the woman straight back while she fucked


Katie


, so animalistic gender commenced.

Cai


even leave

Katie


fuck her, though she typically never lets anybody accomplish that. What the hell, she figured. Going home the next day. Never see this woman once more. I am able to get topped for per night.

Why don’t we fast-forward 2-3 weeks, shall we?

One thing ended up being wrong with


Cai’s


“area.”

Honestly, really incorrect. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish stuff had been oozing from this. So when we say some after all too much. quantities. of. pus.

Cai


refused to go right to the lady-doctor.

Because being supportive is really what friendship is about, whenever she told me, I said,


“which means you at long last got the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


laughed nervously. She went home, googled “the clap” and became believing that she performed, indeed have gonorrhea. She decided to go, for the first time ever before


(she ended up being 28),


to your queer-friendly area gyno clinic.

They did not know what was actually incorrect along with her.

They tried the girl for gonorrhea. They tested for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the really works. Nothing.

Cai


was at some discomfort. She needed answers. She have been getting the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for almost monthly now.

So they really provided the lady an ultrasound.

AND ARE YOU WILLING TO DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FOUND.

Vaginal tears. All over the within her vag.

A whole load of tears.

Cai


were torn to shreds. Her insides had been holding in ribbons. Appeared as if crepe paper birthday celebration decorations in there.

Through our website: lesbian-mature.org/old-mature-lesbian/

And every little thing – every final inches – was actually contaminated.

It would seem that when Katie made use of the woman fabulous extended fingernails to offer

Cai


a strenuous drunk-fuck, no one knew that her nails had been in addition a festering breeding soil for



bacterial vaginosis

.

Superb.

Cai


states have-been a stone-cold very top ever since.

My best friend wikipedia says you can get terrible attacks from dirty nails. Apparently, discover often staphylococcus bacteria hangin’ out, that could result in everything from skin boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And do you know what more?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna say.

That smart lesbian was spot-on together existence classes.

Never ever open up a mutual bank checking account along with your partner.

Never fake sexual climaxes.

And holy mummy of goodness, examine a brand new secret’s nails before fucking.

Or you tend to be condemned to suffer the fate of Cai.

THE CONCLUSION

I Need To wonder, though…

Have of y’all previously obtained everything terrible from another women’s fingers?

Or heard about someone who did?

Or perhaps is this primarily



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian urban misconception?

My personal hands tend to be inching towards the travel-sized Purell package.

I would like answers.