That is a particular Guest Post by
Krista
of
Effing Dykes
! Effing Dykes is actually a queer woman blog site that is hilarious and smart and a tiny bit perverse and
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via ohcardigan
Hiya lezzers!
I’ve got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, soâ¦
WHO WANTS TO HEAR A SCARY STORY??
MWAH
HA HAHAHAHA!
Ensure you get your pal. Everyone got the buddy? Good. Hang on fast towards friend’s hand.
âCause this will be a real tale.
Ahem.
Not So Long Ago, whenever I had been very freshly gay I didn’t know I Found Myself freshly homosexualâ¦
An adult lesbian from the now-defunct queer club known as
Za’s
in Green Bay, Wisconsin
(I became completely merely truth be told there to dancing)
provided me with some guidance:
1)
Never ever open a shared bank account together with your partner
2)
You should not fake sexual climaxes
3)
Make sure a female’s nails tend to be thoroughly clean.
The wise lesbian was at the woman later part of the 40’s, an age group so far away from my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID home that I couldn’t even imagine exactly what it ought to be want to be so old.
via petitlapin
How unfortunate, I thought. Here she is at a bar and she actually is outdated. I hope I really don’t end lonely like this lady.
Actually it fun to be the middle of a market?
Just what a little crap I was.
via diaghram
For some reason, however, we was presented with from
Za’s
that evening repeating her three guidelines to my self.
Once I woke upwards, I was thinking of these.
It actually was kind of like in The gold Chair, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb are charged by Aslan to consider The indications.
Cannot become that you don’t re-read the Narnia boxed-set at least one time a-year.
Anyhow! throughout the years, i usually remembered the 3 existence instructions the lesbian had trained me. Her advice generated good sense.
I never ever unsealed a combined bank account with anyone.
I never faked sexual climaxes again after the first couple of instances I did it, recognizing I became, in fact, dooming myself to a continuous cycle of shitty gender by rewarding poor overall performance using my whines of “ecstasy.”
And I also constantly secretly inspected a girl’s nails before I slept with her.
via diaphram
Small? Check.
No rough sides? Check Always.
Clean? Its search time.
But precisely why, nymphos?
What is the big deal about fingernails?
What is actually with all the short-nailed lesbian jokes? Just What?
What i’m saying is, alright, I get it. Its more difficult to fuck with long fingernails. You could potentially maybe puncture a lung or something.
But it is maybe not difficult. I had extended fingernails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with âem isn’t everything difficult â you merely make sure to use the shields of your hands.
So just why had been that lesbian so emphatic about clean fingernails?
All of you, she was actually
SO. EMPHATIC.
I decided to accomplish some debunking.
Undoubtedly absolutely nothing could truly happen to you should you got banged by someone with filthy fingernails.
via lesbiansftw
Following I recalled a story thus awful I would very nearly overlooked it.
Homos.
via dirtyknife
Bad crap can occur.
This scary tale comes to us courtesy of my personal good-looking buddy ”
Cai
,” having viewed a lot more snatch in temperature than a kitty clinic on totally free Spay Day.
All Right.
Cai
was a student in Miami when she found a rather hot femme we’re going to call
Katie.
Katie
smelled like sugar snacks cooking, wore a leopard-print bikini, had gigantic gold hoops that shimmered during the light, but also possessed the best asses
Cai
had previously seen.
She privately texted me a picture of
Katie
in the swimming pool so she could boast, and that I texted straight back,
“I would strike that till my hand decrease down.”
via hellogirls
So, yes,
Katie.
Cai
took
Katie
house that evening. There was basically some significant ingesting.
While getting undressed
Katie
for the half-light,
Cai
saw one thing she had not truly seen prior to:
Katie had cool fingernails.
Indeed,
Katie
had an extended, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.
Cai
could not end the psychological image of the fingernails clawing down the woman straight back while she fucked
Katie
, so animalistic gender commenced.
Cai
even leave
Katie
fuck her, though she typically never lets anybody accomplish that. What the hell, she figured. Going home the next day. Never see this woman once more. I am able to get topped for per night.
Why don’t we fast-forward 2-3 weeks, shall we?
via gilliansees
One thing ended up being wrong with
Cai’s
“area.”
Honestly, really incorrect. It itched. It burned.
Some, um, greenish-yellowish stuff had been oozing from this. So when we say some after all too much. quantities. of. pus.
Cai
refused to go right to the lady-doctor.
Because being supportive is really what friendship is about, whenever she told me, I said,
“which means you at long last got the clap. Whorebag.”
Cai
laughed nervously. She went home, googled “the clap” and became believing that she performed, indeed have gonorrhea. She decided to go, for the first time ever before
(she ended up being 28),
to your queer-friendly area gyno clinic.
They did not know what was actually incorrect along with her.
They tried the girl for gonorrhea. They tested for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the really works. Nothing.
Cai
was at some discomfort. She needed answers. She have been getting the
âpus’
in
“pussy”
for almost monthly now.
So they really provided the lady an ultrasound.
AND ARE YOU WILLING TO DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FOUND.
Vaginal tears. All over the within her vag.
A whole load of tears.
Cai
were torn to shreds. Her insides had been holding in ribbons. Appeared as if crepe paper birthday celebration decorations in there.
Through our website: lesbian-mature.org/old-mature-lesbian/
And every little thing â every final inches â was actually contaminated.
It would seem that when Katie made use of the woman fabulous extended fingernails to offer
Cai
a strenuous drunk-fuck, no one knew that her nails had been in addition a festering breeding soil for
bacterial vaginosis
.
Superb.
Cai
states have-been a stone-cold very top ever since.
My best friend wikipedia says you can get terrible attacks from dirty nails. Apparently, discover often staphylococcus bacteria hangin’ out, that could result in everything from skin boils to motherfucking meningitis.
And do you know what more?
Pinworm eggs.
S’all I’m gonna say.
these are pinworms
That smart lesbian was spot-on together existence classes.
Never ever open up a mutual bank checking account along with your partner.
Never fake sexual climaxes.
And holy mummy of goodness, examine a brand new secret’s nails before fucking.
by crystal gwyn
Or you tend to be condemned to suffer the fate of Cai.
THE CONCLUSION
I Need To wonder, thoughâ¦
Have of y’all previously obtained everything terrible from another women’s fingers?
Or heard about someone who did?
Or perhaps is this primarily
(âcept for Cai)
a lesbian urban misconception?
My personal hands tend to be inching towards the travel-sized Purell package.
I would like answers.
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